For years, I tried to get my “better half” to enjoy independent and foreign films with me. Unfortunately, he-of-short-attention-span cringed at the thought, leaving me to save Amelie and Life is Beautiful for those rare occasions when he traveled on business.

To be fair, you should know that he’s Japanese and English is his second language. It’s difficult for him to keep up with English subtitles. And until recently, I sympathized.

Then came MUSASHI.

Miyamoto Musashi was a brilliant artist, writer and the ultimate samurai. Japanese men love him, because secretly they all want to be samurais, too. A few months back, the BH and his sons discovered a weekly hour-long series about Musashi on Japanese television. Since, they’ve been glued to their TVs on Saturday nights, calling each other afterward to enthusiastically compare notes. In the beginning, I found this endearing.

This past October, the Independent Film Channel (IFC) hosted a “Samurai Action Fest” – spanning an entire Friday night. That weekend, both Friday and Saturday nights were devoted to samurai films. I was no longer amused.

Then last night, IFC decided to go ahead and air the entire Musashi trilogy – three films from the mid-fifties starring Toshiro Mifune. (Note: All Japanese men secretly think they resemble Toshiro Mifune!) This kept us up past midnight. It was like watching a marathon of the weekly shows, but with cheesier backdrops and a slightly less psychotic looking leading man.

I awoke this morning with a need to share my observations on samurai movies.

First of all, what’s with the men’s hair? They shave all but the very top of their head and pull what's left into a little top-knot. Does anyone understand the thinking behind that? And what about those pants? They’re enormous from the waist to the knees. Every time an actor turns toward the camera, I expect him to say, “Do these make me look fat?” Even more perplexing are those diaper-like things they wear. How do they manage to be loose and baggy in the front, yet give them a giant wedgie in the back? Could this be the prototype for modern-day thong underwear?

And speaking of women, why are they constantly throwing themselves on the ground and crying? Seriously, these chicks hit the dirt every five minutes! How does their hair stay in place? And what magical fabric are those kimonos made of? They never get dirty! But what bothers me most is their total lack of self-respect. One of these women actually waited by a bridge for THREE YEARS for Musashi. After twenty minutes, I’d have moved on with my life. Yet the BH insists, “That’s what a woman does when she really loves a man.” Yeah. Bite me.

Now, the BH has discovered the “search” feature on the digital cable remote, at almost any given moment he can find a samurai movie somewhere.

It may be time to divert his interest to hara-kiri…