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Our Wicked Spawns Who Suck Us Dry |
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Written by cheapwomen
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Wednesday, 07 July 2004 |
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Some of you may be too young to remember Erma Bombeck's syndicated column. Erma was a remarkably talented and funny woman. No one could ever fill her shoes. So in her honor we wrote this......
It's a new generation, yet the suffering continues. We’re not talking about the war in Iraq. We’re talking about the war in our own homes. Today’s column is dedicated to the wicked, evil children who suck us dry. And we don’t mean breastfeeding. We’re two single moms, who’ve tried our best over the years to give these brats EVERYTHING. Never thinking twice about working overtime, so they could have designer clothes, shoes, dance lessons, computers and fancy cell phones. Our jobs (we thought) was to make them happy. Very, very happy. And for a while, we were proud of the job we were doing. Then came Dr. Phil.
Yes, Dr. Phil, purveyor of guilt, arrived to say that the worst, most insidious form of child abuse is SPOILING YOUR CHILD. We envisioned ourselves getting into a car and doing a "Thelma and Louise". So, Dr. Phil, do we suck these kids back into the womb and start over? Our children have serious ENTITLEMENT ISSUES, and there isn’t any reasoning with them. We tried to be the perfect mothers – now we’re only perfectly insane. Where did we go wrong?
In the good old days, children were seen and not heard. Now parents can't see straight and kids are being heard big time. They threaten to call 911 if we dare even think of swatting them. Where was 911 when we got our daily spankings? It isn't fair! Plus, our parents had "c*cktail hour" to look forward to at the end of their day. Though drinking might improve our attitude, and numb our pain, it's just not PC anymore. And, by the way, this wave of “political correctness” has got to be stopped. We'd like to find the person who coined the phrase, make them live our lives for a week. We just hope they can afford the ensuing therapy.
Instead of the quiet c*cktail hour our parents once enjoyed, we spend our evenings playing short order cook – accommodating everyone’s whims. You’re a vegetarian this week? No problem! Carbo-loading for sports? Okay! The Atkins Diet? Burger and fries? Can’t stand broccoli? It's not as though we can call a family meeting and announce, "Okay kids, we’ll be starting a new life! Your wants and needs are now no longer up for consideration." Or the line Dr. Laura always throws out, "I can no longer enable you and help you have a great life because I love you!"
Dr. Laura, God bless you for trying but here's a reality check. Our kids’ standard response is, "Just because you have a miserable life, doesn't mean we should suffer". And another favorite MANTRA "we did not ask to be born..you made the choice...but want us to suffer?" There's that word again. SUFFER. This, in a nutshell, is the source of our pain – these spoiled monsters sincerely believe they are suffering.
When we were kids, our folks’ mantra was, "Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!" So when we first laid eyes on those precious newborn faces, we pledged NEVER DO TO THEM WHAT WAS DONE TO US! Are we eating those words now, or what? In fact, we are choking on them each and every day.
We leave you now, with a quote from Erma's last book, If I had my Life to Live Over: “I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage." Today’s TO DO exercise: Go light that fancy rose candle. And pray someone invents a way to reprogram our evil offspring with the teachings of Dr. Phil. |
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Last Updated ( Thursday, 06 September 2007 )
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